It shames me utterly and completely – and then some more – to have to admit that this Lair is rented. Yes – I, a Dragon – am a tenant! It’s dastardly and despicable. It’s one of those inevitable Prices-to-Pay that I incurred through waiting as long as I did to move from the mighty Drakensberg – or at least the same region of the the world as the Drakensberg – to the illustrious Blue Mountains… -well – you can see them from here if you’re high enough.
Along with the shame of not owning my own Lair comes a series of Curses and Plagues that are visited on me at regular intervals. It’s one thing to have to put up with a Personage (who doesn’t even have the manners to arrive in Shining Armour) demanding regular payments and taxes of various sorts for occupying the Lair. That’s bad enough. No. The real disgrace is the bi-yearly ritual of inspecting the Lair to check if it is being maintained – and I quote – “in a Professional and Workman-like Manner”.
Now – it’s all very well to ask for a Lair, Cave or Grotto to be kept in a decent state of repair. That much I might be able to put up with. But no – they have to choose words that make it exceedingly difficult for me contain my temper.
[[At this junction I digress briefly to point out that it places a Dragon in an extremely difficult position when anyone angers him or her during a Total Fire Ban. It is most unhealthy and may backfire]]
The reason for my state of irked-ness at this choice of verbiage (and I’m sure you’ll concur) is simple.
a) I am remunerated for that which I do Professionally.
b) without being classist, racist, species-ist or any other -ist – I do nothing in a “workman-like” manner because, succinctly, I identify as
i) a dragon
ii) female
I have therefore decided that should I ever be required to write my name with Blooded Claw on any such Contract again, I shall suggest that (should a Total Fire Ban be in place at the time,) the safest course of action would be to adjust the wording: “…shall maintain the property in a reasonable state of repair in a She-Dragon-like Manner” will suffice. The alternative course of action would be that, if I am to operate in a professional manner, I shall demand payment. This option is likely to be more inflammatory for all concerned. I will therefore recommend that this only be considered during a wet season. {I do try to be considerate of the safety of innocent bystanders and other hangers-on}
This last week the Representative of the Non-Shining-Armoured Personage appeared to perform a Lair Inspection Rite. She expressed satisfaction with the way the Lair was looking. It was fortunate I didn’t set off the smoke alarms with my suppressed displeasure at those Contract words that haunt me, or she may have noticed that at least one smoke alarm has been hidden in the cupboard …
Dwysted 