TODAY was a day of great draconic endeavour.
The other Members of the Lair (Lesser ones, of course) began the mutters yesterday. At first I thought they said “Melodious” and I was quite sure they were referring indirectly and discreetly (as is appropriate) to my wondrous singing. However, I quickly realised that what they were concerned about was a Malodorus. They needed my help!
A Malodorus can be a scary beast, and not always easy to find. I remember the very worst one I was ever exposed to. It had taken up residence in the kelp piled up on a beach after a storm. I never got to see the actual creature as the smell was soooo nauseating that not even I could go within spitting distance to challenge it to a duel.
Now, it seemed, one of these malicious and nasty smelly beasties had infiltrated our Lair.
“It’s somewhere in the Fridge,” the Lesser Members of the Lair informed me, trembling in terror.
This was Bad News. Regular forays to the Fridge are essential to stave off Death by Starvation. The presence of this Malodorus was a matter of Life and Death!
“Don’t worry, my lovelies, ” I reassured them. ” I will personally hunt out and deal with this Malodorus myself.———- Tomorrow, ” I said.
Now I am well aware that Tomorrow never comes, but I said this Yesterday, and Yesterday, “Tomorrow” was Today and as I am relating this Today, there is no inconsistency. This, of course, is Draconic Time.
I waited until all the Lesser Members of the Lair had left in different directions for their own safety. It was best I dealt with this monster alone (and besides, with no witnesses, no relatives can contradict what I choose to relate). I armed myself with a large, damp cloth. Malodori (plural form follows the same rule as Hippopotami and Octopi thereby assuming an erroneous Latin origin for the word) can be smothered with damp cloths under the right conditions, thus it’s an effective weapon – particularly for the inlair variety. Malodori that lurk without are often best approached with spades.
I began at the top of the Fridge – the freezer section. I removed every item. No sign of the Malodorus there. I gathered my courage, warmed my damp cloth, and opened the door to the main section of the Fridge. The Malodorus knew I was coming. It shrank back, keeping out of sight. I focussed my attention on the door, again removing every item, pulling apart bits that could be dismantled and thoroughly disinfecting every potential hiding place. This approach – tackling the door first – would lull the Malodorus into a false sense of security.
Then, I turned to confront it’s most likely hiding place – the main fridge itself. Softly and stealthily I dismantled the potential hiding places until finally! – there is was! Lurking at the very back of the fridge. Glowing strawberry red with grey blotches of mould – there was the Malodorus! Oh – it was an ugly one! It hissed at me threateningly. I pounced on it at once and, after a brief scuffle, subdued it by stuffing it into a bag. It doesn’t do to prod and poke Malodori more than the absolute minimum necessary lest they retaliate by releasing the very worst of their stink. With the beast thus captured, I was able get it out of the Lair well ahead of the return of the Lesser Members – thus sparing them a sight that could have caused them several weeks of nightmares and possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I returned the Fridge to a state par excellence with a sense of great satisfaction and accomplishment. Needless to say, the Lesser Members of the Lair are falling over themselves to express their gratitude and adoration for the manner in which I saved them from this horror. After all, I have also, hereby, ensured that they will not Starve.
Dwysted 